During Crohns Awareness week I wrote a lot about The Hospital, Ben , Modulife Diet and how it feels to 'miss out'.
Seriously, go catch up if you haven't already read them!
Now, this is a hard one for me to write, because it means I am actually admitting it and actually discussing my problems and I don't do that.
I have been suffering with my mental health for absolutely years. Since I was about 19 I'd say. Some horrible things have happened in my life, some unforgivable things. It's been damn right dramatic, stressful and ya know what it's not been great at times.
I've hidden my own mental health (badly) for years. I denied I was even feeling this way. I distracted myself in every way possible. From overworking myself, from partying too hard, from pushing myself too far sometimes and helping everyone else around me and focusing on everyone else's problems instead of my own.
I met Ben at a time where I was at what I thought was my lowest. I just failed some of my college exams, because I couldn't be bothered, I was partying too much and bunking lessons to go to play in the Arcades.
When I met Ben and we started to get to know each other and spend far too much time together I felt safe, I felt protected and stable.
Me and Ben both met at a time where we needed each other. For different reasons but the timing was great.
I used Ben at the beginning as a distraction, to hide away from my problems. I rely on Ben massively for being my rock. Which is incredibly unhealthy guys. This is not only unhealthy for myself but it also drags Ben down and makes him carry extra weight that's not needed.
Living with my own terrible mental health and trying to survive whilst also focusing on Bens Crohns and over working myself is not healthy. It's really not good for me and it's made things get out of hand for me.
We (Ben and I), we live with two illnesses daily. We fight daily to get through it. My mental health does take its toll. I feel myself constantly being drained. I constantly fight my own mind everyday. My cortisol hormones are incredibly low.
Which has made me more prone to Headaches, Cold, Flu, Dizziness, ENT problems. Inflammation literally anything. My immune system has basically been in fight mode for too long and is buggered.
So fighting everyday whilst also looking after Ben, as you can imagine is exhausting at times.
I have been told a few times now. How I feel does not matter. How I feel is insignificant to what Ben feels.
What, just because how I feel is less physical I don't matter? What I feel is just a physical with the constant headaches, with the constant fatigue.
My "moodiness" isn't a mood, I am exhausted, I have headaches. I have ear aches, I have stomach aches all the time. I literally feel shit.
Just because I haven't been hospitalised, just because I haven't been told to stop eating or you don't see me in absolute agony. Doesn't mean to say that what I feel doesn't matter.
I have been fighting for years against myself. I am finally starting to get the help I deserve and need. Ben and I we live with two illnesses. We have to support each other. But at the same time, Ben can not support me as much as he would like sometimes because he is simply too tired himself.
So then what? I'm basically doing it on my own again because burdening people with my problems is a nightmare in itself to me.
I struggle daily, I fight daily. Ben also has his struggles and fights. But we are winning.
Living with an illness is exhausting. Living with two? Well me and Ben deserve a blooming medal. Honestly.
Comments