Most of this blog was actually written in 2018, when I was re-reading it I was shocked at how relevant my feelings still are.
No one likes hospitals, that unique smell, the continuous “beep-beep- beep”, and the claustrophobic wards. Everything about the hospital is just horrific.
When the first original blockage started back in 2018 I did not know how to deal with it. I was petrified of all the wires, all the machines and all the beeps. I could not bare to look at Ben, every time I did it broke my heart.
I couldn’t touch him or go near him because I was too shocked and anxious by all of it. I would run to the toilet to break down and cry because I felt so helpless.
Going to the hospital is never easy especially when you are the patient. However, as a visitor, whether you are there for one hour or six, it is guaranteed to exhaust you and make you feel absolutely drained. No matter how many Costa Coffees you have!!!
When Ben first went hospital 2018. I tried my hardest to visit him everyday, after work, before work, before Netball. My whole day revolved around what time I was going to the hospital.
My plans always involved the hospital. Me being me I couldn’t spend an hour on the bus for a short visit. (I'd usually not come back home till 10/11pm.)
In 2018 I spent months of not knowing what was happening, months of seeing absolutely no progress, seeing my loved one throw up his own poo and in absolute agony.
I spent months watching the love and hope fade from his eyes. His usual warmth was cold, he didn’t look at me with the same love as before. It was pure desperation.
I felt too embarrassed and uncomfortable eating, I knew that Ben was not allowed to eat. I was beginning to form a strong hatred towards everything,
I felt too embarrassed and uncomfortable eating, I knew that Ben was not allowed to eat. I was beginning to form a strong hatred towards everything. The Hospital, Ben, Work, Life. I was frustrated with how slow everything was.
I just wanted him to be fixed as soon as possible so we can be normal again. It took 5 months to realise that what I was doing has been exhausting me and making myself ill.
I can honestly say this is probably where and when I changed as a person. Looking back now I realise that I was drifting into a bad state of depression.
I was riddled with guilt and anxiety if I did not go to see Ben. If I am not seeing Ben my mind will not rest, I am constantly wondering: "Is he okay?" "What if something bad happens?"
I was overwhelmed with disappointment if I wasn’t there at a time of deterioration or progress or news good and bad.
I felt like, and still feel like as his girlfriend it is my duty to hold Ben’s hand, to cuddle him and to make him feel better to pick him up when he is down. I love him unconditionally and I will always feel like it is my duty.
To anyone else that’s doing the same thing: it’s okay to not go up one day- which is something I have learnt very recently. Thanks Covid-19 for giving me no choice to learn this. Will explain in tomorrows blog.
It is absolutely fine to take a break. It’s perfectly acceptable to feel guilty.
BUT you HAVE to take time for yourself.
Honestly, I still struggle with this. It is incredibly important to take a day out and do something YOU enjoy, and have a day to relax. Please remember to eat, you need the energy.
It will make you feel so much better, and the chances are your loved one will appreciate you smiling and sharing a new story on your next visit.
Hospital never get's easier I don't think it ever will. But you just have to learn to deal with it. Thankfully technology is a life saver and they will get better eventually. The Doctors, Nurses, HCA's and Surgeons they all know what they are doing and they are there to also support your loved one when you can't be there.
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